If I look through my diaries I can find traces of you way back when. I wondered about your looks, your favorite colors, your favorite books. I wasn’t however ready for how I fell head over heals in love with you when you finally found me. Utterly, inexplicabaly in love. For the first time in my life, I understood what it meant to love someone from the bottom of my heart. For the first time in my life, I felt complete, content. I feel no more longing for anything else, no dreams of a challenging academic job, no dreams of traveling which I used to adore so much, no dreams of rock climbing, sking, running, reading as many books as I could fit in my days. Nothing. These days I am only amused by what is connected to you. I stopped reading the news of the world which gets more grim by day because I don’t want anything to upset you. I found myself, after many years to be hopeful about the future of this world and I need you to hope my love. Because you will be here and if after so many years of trying and failing you can emerge at the point when mommy had given up, there is going to be hope in everything.
I love you, not out of feeling empty, not out of boredom, not because I seek to fill my days with something, not because I need to forget myself. I love you because you are lovable and I have never had anything so sweet and innocent, so wholesome. There is nothing I won’t do for you.
I want you to be able to hike in the middle of forests and listen to the birds. I want polar bears to be here for you to see and that you can experience how nice the air smells after the rain. Thank you for being here, in me, my other heartbeat.
Love,
Mommy.
